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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26438233">The Maps on Your Skin</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wake_n_bake/pseuds/wake_n_bake'>wake_n_bake</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Help, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Remus Lupin &amp; James Potter Friendship, Scars, Sirius Black &amp; Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sirius Black Needs a Hug</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:48:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,820</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26438233</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wake_n_bake/pseuds/wake_n_bake</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus hated scars. Anyone's scars, really, but his own in particular. If anybody had ever bothered to ask him, even once, which was his least favorite, the answer would invariably be the bite on his thigh that started it all. Since that first scar, he had amassed quite the collection. A gruesome topographical map of pain and self-loathing he'd torn into his skin. Over the years he'd become a connoisseur, of sorts,  on what caused scars and the level of pain that caused them. </p>
<p>Being so proficient in reading a person’s life mapped flesh, it came as a massive blow to his prowess that he missed the madly-flapping flying atlas that was on a collision course with his oblivious little face.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>183</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi all! Thank you so much for reading my very first fanfic! It's been a long time since I've had the urge to write anything and I was beginning to worry I never would. After gorging myself on endless wolfstar angst, I was inspired to try my hand at it.  This is unbetad, so all mistakes are my sleep deprivation's fault. </p>
<p>I tagged it, but I just want to reiterate that child abuse is a pretty big plot point in this story.  I don't personally think it's too graphic,  but this did come out of my twisted little mind, so I'm probably not the best judge. </p>
<p>Stay safe everyone!  ❤</p>
<p>~R</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus hated scars. Anyone's scars, really, but his in particular. If anybody ever bothered to ask him, even once, which was his least favorite, the answer would invariably be the bite on his thigh that started it all. Since that first scar, he had amassed quite the collection. A gruesome topographical map of pain and self-loathing he'd torn into his skin. Over the years he'd become a connoisseur, of sorts, on what caused scars and the level of pain that caused them. A glance was all it took for him to guess its origin and recovery time. It was a useless talent, to be sure, but it kept him morbidly entertained during the more tedious of Professor Bins’ lectures (i.e. all of them).</p><p>Being so proficient in reading a person’s life mapped flesh, it came as a massive blow to his prowess that he missed the madly-flapping flying atlas that was on a collision course with his oblivious little face. The morning of his world changing discovery, Remus was awoken by a pillow to the gut. This was odd because he had made his bed curtains impervious to such projectiles back in first year and diligently reinforced them biweekly.</p><p>“Oi, Moony! Wake up,” an exasperated James boomed. “This is the fifth time we’ve tried to wake you. Get a move on or I'll make sure all the chocolate croissants are missing from the table.”</p><p>Peter sniggered at the elaborate rude gesture Remus threw in James’ direction. Sirius just huffed a quiet laugh as he pulled his hair into a messy ponytail at the nape of his neck. Remus’ ogling of its graceful slope was interrupted by another pillow, this time lobbed at his head. Right, he promised himself no more ogling.</p><p>Grudgingly, Remus rolled out of bed and began sniffing his shirts until he found a clean one.</p><p>“Good man! I’ll see you lot at breakfast. I’m heading down first.”</p><p>Ah yes. James and his incessant need to make sure Lily saw his relentlessly cheery face first thing every morning. It astounded Remus that she hadn't cursed him yet. There was still plenty of time for that, however, and James had yet to plum the full depths of his pigheadedness.</p><p>“I’ll go with you. I'm proper starving!" Peter called as his head popped out of the robes he hadn't bothered unfastening the day before and shoved his feet into his shoes.</p><p>“You two, try not to kill each other on the way down, yeah?” James almost made the joking tone convincing. Almost.</p><p>The truth was things between him and Sirius had been tense since The Prank. Remus hated how it seemed to capitalize itself in his mind. He had forgiven Sirius. He had. Fine! He was trying to. It was hard though, because Sirius hadn't offered any explanation for why he had revealed Remus' secret. Not that there was any excuse that could vindicate that level of betrayal, but it might help Remus understand. Otherwise, what else could he expect? Having a werewolf as a friend was a very convenient way to dispose of your enemies. Every time Remus thought about it he vacillated between outrage at the animagus' actions and extreme self-loathing.</p><p>Remus wished everything could go back to how it was before. Now everything just felt off-kilter, like someone had moved all the furniture two inches to the left and Remus had to stumble through a friendship that, up until Prank-mageddon, had been familiar and very easy to navigate. Well except for the massive, violently puce, floral sofa that sat dead center in the room. But Remus had been avoiding his crush on Sirius all year, so why bother acknowledging it now.</p><p>“Let’s go, Wormtail,” James called with a particularly enthusiastic parting slap to Sirius’ back. Peter jogged after James with a wave.</p><p>Remus glanced up from fastening his robes just in time to watch the former heir's face lose what little color it had, then go an alarming shade of green and back pale in rapid succession. Sirius swayed dangerously in place. Remus lunged to steady him. The second his hand came in contact with the other boy’s back, Sirius jerked and collapsed with a hiss.</p><p>“Padfoot, mate! What’s wrong?”</p><p>“Don’t touch me!” Sirius flinched away from the hand Remus offered. “J-just...let me...let me sit.”</p><p>Slowly, arms shaking, Sirius heaved himself onto his bed and wiped his sweaty face. Remus went to rake his hands through his hair in frustration (a terrible habit he had picked up from James) when he saw his palm.</p><p>“Hufflepuff's tits! You’re fucking bleeding! Why are you bleeding? How? What?”</p><p>“No, no! It’s fine. I...I’m not...It’s fine.”</p><p>“It’s not bloody fine, you great pillock! Not if you’re bleeding like that.” Remus didn’t know how he managed to keep his voice at a normal volume when all he wanted to do was roar at the cowering boy.</p><p>“Jamie reopened it again. I just need to…” Sirius trailed off as he realized what he had revealed.</p><p>“Reopened? What the fuck is going on, Sirius? How long has this been happening? Answer me!” Remus was yelling now.</p><p>Sirius was on his feet so fast, Remus barely had a chance to register the fury before Sirius was in his face.</p><p>“It’s none of your bloody fucking business, Lupin,” Sirius sneered his name like it was a weapon. “I don't owe you or anyone else an explanation. Now get out of my way before I <em>make you</em>.”</p><p>Remus actually stumbled back a step at the growled words. Sirius snatched up his bag and slammed his shoulder into Remus on his way out the dormitory.</p><p>Had Remus thought the furniture only shifted? This wasn't even the same house anymore.</p><p>How was he going to fix this?</p><p>********</p><p>Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!</p><p>Why the fuck had he snapped at Remus like that? Well he knew why-- he just wanted the pain to stop, Peter was the only one of his friends who hadn't been lecturing him everyday since March, and he was just so, so exhausted-- but it didn’t ease the guilt any. He slumped, light headed, against the wall of an empty corridor and tried to catch his breath. Even that little display of anger was enough to completely wipe him out.</p><p>Blood seeped out of his bandages to trickle down his spine. This was all James’ fault. If the stupid prat hadn’t hit him, Moony would've never noticed he was injured. The cuts had finally started to scab over (maybe, sort of, at the very least they weren't constantly oozing blood) and he was tentatively hopeful that they were finally going to stay closed, but apparently that was too much to ask. Sirius cursed his friend so violently that the occupant of the portrait nearest him actually gasped and placed a scandalized hand to his mouth.</p><p>He kept messing everything up and not just today’s little outburst. Everything had been slowly falling apart since the full before the Easter holidays. He shuddered and tried not to think about that disastrous moon and his mind settled on the equally unpleasant events of the break.</p><p>"According to the Dark Lord-" Bellatrix began.</p><p>Sirius immediately tuned her out and focused on pushing his food around his plate. This was the fifth time his cousin had managed to rub it in everyone's faces that she'd actually joined the Death Eaters, instead of just agreeing with what they stood for, in the last half hour. It was really starting to get tedious.</p><p>"Merlin, just suck him off and get it over with already," he mumbled under his breath.</p><p>He bit his lip as soon as the words slipped out of his mouth. No one appeared to have heard him, however. He was just being to believe he had gotten away with it, when-</p><p>"That reminds me, Uncle Orion, did Cissy ever tell you about the time she found our dear Sirius with a truly unfortunate lover?"</p><p>Whatever color Sirius' face could ever lay claim to vanished in terror for what was about to happen. He could almost feel his parents' disdain crawling on his skin.</p><p>"Some filthy mudblood wretch, I presume," Walburga supplied when his father continued eating without response.</p><p>”If only that were the worst of it. It wasn't just some mudblood. He was with another man."</p><p>Bellatrix beamed with vindictive delight as she watched this information sink in. Sirius was still trying to figure out how Narcissa had seen him with Cecil in the first place. He had only kissed the Ravenclaw chaser once, in third year, and he had been extremely thorough in his privacy charms. This couldn't be happening. The only time he had ever acted on his attraction to boys and he was seen by a family member!</p><p>At the head of the table, Orion Black finally put down his cutlery to give his firstborn his undivided attention.</p><p>"Is this true, boy? Are you some…" he seemed to have trouble finding a word harsh enough for his abhorrence, "buggerer degenerate?"</p><p>Sirius couldn't move. He could barely take in a deep enough breath for him to even begin to mount a defense. A glance at Regulus showed him what his own face must look like and he knew he was screwed. There was nothing he could say to his father would convince him Bellatrix was lying.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>His mother began screaming obscenities at him and the entire meal devolved into chaos. Dawn had barely broken over London by the time his parents were through with him and cast him out into the street, literally.</p><p>Three days later, the Potters were shocked when a very muddy, shivering Sirius appeared on their doorstep. He hadn't any money for the Night Bus and his personal owl was already delivering a note to James, so he'd walked all the way from London to the Potters’ estate. Euphimia and Fleamont welcomed him in without question and made a permanent room for him in their home.</p><p>Somehow, Sirius was able to hide the worst of the abuse from all three Potters. It was exhausting hiding the cuts and bruises with the amount of hovering James did. All Sirius wanted was to sleep for the rest of the holiday, but James insisted that they should invite Remus and Peter to stay as well.</p><p>“They'll be intrical in plotting the downfall of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black,” James whinged.</p><p>“Leave it, Jamie. It was a full moon this week. Moony doesn't need the added stress. And Wormtail would be too terrified to actually face them down. Hell, I lived with the bastards and I'm scared to go back.”</p><p>“Fine,” James sulked, “but at the very least I'm going to leave a bag of flaming dragon dung on the front step.”</p><p>Sirius laughed and believed that would be the end of it. However, the last day of the holidays arrived and there Remus and Peter were in the sitting room drinking tea with Effie and Monty. All of the Marauders would be going to King's Cross the next day together.</p><p>That night, all four of them sprawled out on James’ bed and plotted fitting ends for Walburga and Orion Black. Peter helpfully suggested that maybe Bellatrix should be knocked off just for good measure, and Sirius smirked appreciatively. By the time they collapsed in their beds, Sirius could almost believe things would be better.</p><p>He slowly recovered his spirits over the weeks they were back at school. Things were still tense between him and Moony, but since his disinheritance Remus seemed to be more forgiving of The Snivelous Incident. But now...</p><p>Sirius banged his head on the wall. What had he been thinking? All of this awkwardness could have been avoided if he had never sent Snivelly down the Whomping Willow passage after Remus.</p><p>“Young man! If you could refrain from getting any more fluids on my frame, I would greatly appreciate it.”</p><p>Sirius growled like the massive dog he sometimes was and shoved off the wall. If he hurried he could make it down to the kitchens before his first class. Thankfully, he and Remus only had one lesson together today, potions. There would be very little time for another confrontation and he could work on a plan to smooth everything over.</p><p>He could fix this. He would succeed because failure meant losing Moony...that wasn't something Sirius was willing to risk. It would mean everything he had tried to hide, from the warmth that swelled in his chest every time Remus smiled at him, to the excruciating torture he suffered at his parents hands, would be for nothing.</p><p>He just needed a brilliant plan to gain Remus’ forgiveness.</p><p>Right…</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello again! Thank you for taking the time to read my work! </p><p>Please left me know if you find any errors or inconsistencies. I only seem to be able to edit at butt o'clock at night and I just didn't have it in me to fight with this chapter any more.</p><p>There are triggers in this chapter. It gets into detail of what's been done to Sirius. Please read at your discretion.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus still hadn’t come up with a solution by the time he was doing his final check of his prefect rounds. He was so distracted he didn't even notice the sound of approaching footsteps until he ran into...no one? Body moving before his brain had a chance to process anything, Remus snatched a fold of the invisibility cloak and pulled.</p><p>“Lily isn’t here tonight, Prongs. There’s no need to skulk about."</p><p>James could have easily passed for his animal form with the wide-eyed startlement he leveled at the werewolf. </p><p>“I wasn’t skuling. The very implication is an insult. I was trying to make sure that your prefectly duties weren’t corrupting your brain. It’s happened to better men than you, Lupin,” he stated matter of factly, having finally recovered his wits. “But now that I have you to myself, I want to talk to you about something.”</p><p>That was enough to wipe the smile Remus had been trying to hide clear off his face. There were only two directions this could be going. Either James was about to demand to know why Sirius spent the entire day avoiding him or plead with Remus to put in a good word for him with Evans, again. Neither option was appealing at the moment. </p><p>So, Remus did the only thing one can do when avoiding an uncomfortable conversation with James Potter and launched into a flat out sprint. James’ oddly shrill protests faded as he bolted up the stairs. He was one left turn away from the corridor housing the portrait hall when a panting James finally seized his arm and jerked him to a halt.</p><p>“What the hell, Moony? When did you get so bloody fast?" James demanded, putting both hands on top of his head.</p><p>“Aren’t you an athlete? Shouldn’t you be more fit than this? Lily won’t take you if you can’t keep up with one weedy bookworm,” Remus joked, hoping to delay the inevitable.</p><p>“Bookworm my left bollock! Admit it! This is a side effect of your furry little problem and you've been holding out on us for years.” James ran a distracted hand through his hair. “I need your opinion. And before you say no, it’s got nothing to do with Lily.”</p><p>“I’m knackered. I don't feel like having an in depth heart to heart with you at the mo'. Can’t you ask Wormtail or Padfoot?”</p><p>“If I promise to make it quick, can we at least cuddle,” James smirked. “But I really do need to have a serious Sirius talk.”</p><p>Remus glared. “I thought we all agreed no more Sirius puns after The Great Communications Breakdown of '72. You know I still sneeze glitter when there's lightning.”</p><p>James almost managed a smile. And that, more than anything, warned Remus that he really, really wasn’t going to like where this was going. </p><p>“It’s...I...I’m worried about him. I can’t say I know what it’s like to be kicked out of my home, but he just seems so...off. Like, more than what I would've expected, especially considering how much he despises them. Has Padfoot said anything to you about, dunno, anything?”</p><p>This, admittedly, was not how he thought a serious Sirius conversation would go. He thought about the blood, what Sirius had let slip this morning, and the rage at being discovered.</p><p>“He hasn’t told me anything specific,” he hedged, “but my best guess is that something else happened he’s not telling us. Until he’s ready to share, I don’t think we’re going to get much out of him. Look at how long it took him to tell us about the nightmares.”</p><p>James bobbed his head in acknowledgement. Sirius had arrived at Hogwarts having already mastered silencing charms. It wasn’t until he had woken from a nap screaming one afternoon last year that he had finally admitted that he rarely slept because the dreams kept him up most nights.</p><p>“Fudgel,” James announced distractedly. The Fat Lady swung open.</p><p>Remus blinked. When had they started walking? They clambered through the portrait hole and through the common room without a word. Two steps from the closed dormitory door, they heard voices. Two voices. One Sirius' cockey tenor. The other was female and distinctly Lilyish.</p><p>“You really should have Madam Pomfrey look at this. You told me it was healing. What happened?” said the Lilyish voice.</p><p>“For the last time, I’m not going to the hospital wing! I just tripped into a suit of armor. Things got messy. You really don't have to help me, Evans.”</p><p>“You’re a surprisingly terrible liar, Black.” There was a very weighty pause, and then more gently, “I’m actually really concerned for you, Sirius. You can’t go on like this.”</p><p>Remus was shocked. He didn’t know that Sirius and Lily had ever had a civil conversation, nevermind more than one. James, on the other hand, was looking murderous. It would seem he thought this exchange was some sort of threat to his campaign for Lily’s heart and charged through the door with such zeal that it rebounded off the wall and almost smacked Remus in the face.</p><p>“What in the name of Merlin’s twisted third nipple is going on here?” James boomed.</p><p>Lily and Sirius jerked out of their hug. Lily dropped the bloodstained cloth into a bowl of equally red water and held both hands over her head. Sirius blindly scrabbled for his shirt. Remus just stood there gaping as James launched himself at the bed with a cry of, “how could you?” </p><p>Sirius’ scream of abject agony jolted Remus into action. He wrenched Lily’s hands from James’ throat (“What the bloody hell is wrong with you, Potter? Get off, you twat! You’re hurting him!”) and managed to wrestle James into a headlock. </p><p>“Sirius? Sirius, wake up.” Lily was gently patting the dark haired boy's pallid cheek. “Bugger!”</p><p>Remus threw James to the floor with more force than was strictly necessary and rushed to her side. </p><p>“What do you need me to do?”</p><p>“I’m going to get the nurse. See if you can wake him. Don’t think you’ll have much luck, but keep trying. The absolute blithering toe-rag there should try and fix the damage he caused.”</p><p>James flinched and scooted away from the redhead. Lily was known to start swinging when pissed. “I didn’t…”</p><p>“Put pressure on the wound, dung-for-brains,” was her parting jab before she raced off to the hospital wing.</p><p>There was a brief awkward pause before the two boys moved to comply. It was a moment before Remus realized that this was the first time in five years he had ever seen Sirius without a shirt, and longer still to comprehend why. </p><p>Every inch of his chest was scarred: long crisscrossing lashes, delicate lacy patches like lightning strikes, giant puckers from where bone had broken through skin, and directly over his heart a fresh round burn the size of an orange. Worst of all of these were the words, each one more horrifying in their disregard for the bearer than the last. Seven in total, meticulously carved in precise cursive that Remus recognized from some of the letters Sirius had received from home.  </p><p>“What kind of sick-” James began,</p><p>“Roll him on his side,” Remus cut him off. He didn’t need to guess what kind of twisted person would do this to a child. He already knew. It was the same type of person that cursed a five-year-old to be ripped apart and reassembled every 27 days.</p><p>Remus glanced up at James' gasped a swear in Bengali. James rarely reverted to his mother tongue, so whatever he was looking at had to be particularly gruesome. Remus really didn’t think anything could possibly be more shocking than what they’d seen thus far, only to be proven wrong almost instantly when he peered over Sirius' shoulder. The mutilation continued all over his back with the addition of two more words spanning shoulder to shoulder. The worst yet, by far. Carved in the same steady hand, so deep bone could be seen through every letter: sodomite whore. </p><p>Remus couldn’t contain his sob. There was so much malice in those words.</p><p>“Did you know about this?” Remus asked, voice a strangled whisper.</p><p>“No. He's always going on about how awful they are, but I never could've imagined…”</p><p>"Me neither. L-let's just…" Remus gestured vaguely with his hands.</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>They worked in tense silence until Madam Pomfrey and an uncharacteristically flustered Professor McGonagall burst into the room. McGonagall gasped at the bloody scene. Madam Pomfrey just brushed James and Remus aside and got to work, muttering darkly to herself all the while.</p><p>"Does anyone know how long his back has been like this," the nurse snapped.</p><p>James and Remus exchanged a look. "Erm…"</p><p>"All he would tell me was it happened over the holidays," Lily's voice supplied from the doorway. </p><p>"What? That was almost two months ago. Those wounds don't look more than a few days old. How long have you known about this, Evans?" McGonagall, who was looking very pale, rounded on Lily with narrowed eyes.</p><p>"He made me swear not to tell anyone," Lily mumbled to her shoes.</p><p>"And you lot," she was glaring at James and Remus now, "you're supposed to be his best friends. You practically live in each other's pockets. How could you not have known?"</p><p>"Minerva!" Madam Pomfrey looked away from Sirius for the first time. "Don't you dare take it out on these children because you feel guilty."</p><p>Remus could swear he saw tears before the professor turned sharply. </p><p>"I've stopped the bleeding for now. I'm going to need some time for the rest though. Whatever was done to prevent his healing is beyond what I can do in this dormitory."</p><p>McGonigall waved her wand and a stretcher appeared and Madam Pomfrey levitated Sirius onto it. With more tenderness than Remus thought she possessed, McGonagall took a blanket from the bed and tucked it gently around Sirius' torso, James outright gaping at the sight.</p><p>Then Sirius was being floated away without so much as a backward glance. Lily sniffed and wiped her cheeks. Remus wrapped his arm around her shoulders and squeezed gently.</p><p>"He's going to be fine," he soothed.</p><p>"You're right! Our Padfoot's going to pull through this. He's made of sterner stuff than any of us," James announced as they all stared at the open door. </p><p>Remus wasn't sure if he was trying to convince them or himself.</p><p>********</p><p>Sirius' first conscious thoughts were about how much he hated sleeping on his side. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to prop him up like this? If this was James trying to get back at him for transfiguring his hairbrush into a hedgehog then this was his worst vengeance ever. </p><p>Then he remembered. James and Remus had come bursting into the dormitory, Lily screaming bloody murder. He must have passed out. Which meant Lily called for Madam Pomfrey and he was now in the hospital wing. Which also meant Remus and James had seen his scars. Sirius tried, and failed, not to whimper. Why couldn't he have just bled out like his father intended. Brilliant! now he was fucking up his own death!</p><p>A warm hand stroked his hair and Sirius froze. That was even stranger than waking up on his side. No one ever touched him like that. Peter wasn't the type to go petting a bloke's hair, friend or no. James was more likely to smother him with affection, or a pillow. In James' mind they were probably synonymous. And Remus, his brain became as still as his body. Remus probably didn't want anything to do with him, not after what happened this morning. Was it this morning? How long had he been out?</p><p>"I can tell you're faking. Do you want me to get Poppy or would you like to rest a bit more?"</p><p>Well that was one question answered. It was Moony. Shit. Shit. Shit! He wasn't prepared for a confrontation so soon. He didn't have a plan, yet. He couldn't even roll over and feign sleep because the pillows prevented him from moving.</p><p>"We were all worried you know. Madam Pomfrey thought you might have to be moved to Saint Mungo's, but she managed to figure it out. And, at one point, I swear I saw Minnie sobbing over your unconscious body."</p><p>"You're having me on," Sirius murmured without opening his eyes.</p><p>"No, no. I swear on Prong's eternal virginity. Sat here in this very spot weeping into a tartan hankie."</p><p>"You're full of shit and you know it."</p><p>The hand paused mid-stroke, but resumed as Remus replied, "Fine, but I wasn't lying about being worried. Why wouldn't you tell us? Tell me? We could've gotten you out sooner. Then you wouldn't have such horrible…"</p><p>Sirius jerked away from the warmth and sat up as best he could. This is why he had never told his friends. He couldn't stand the pity. Especially not from Remus. Not Remus, who bore the scars from his lycanthropy with quiet dignity. Who wouldn't even meet Sirius' eye after the Incident. Merlin, those eyes! Sirius had spent countless hours agonizing over the right metaphor for their exact shade of brown: the color of sunlight on a clear stream bed. No, if he ever saw pity in those sun dappled depths, Sirius would finish what his parents started and finally give up living.</p><p>"Poppy will have your guts for garters if you open your wounds back up. Lie down."</p><p>Sirius didn't move, instead he rolled his eyes and asked, "How long have I been here?"</p><p>Remus crossed his arms and wore that look he got when he thought Sirius was being an insufferable git. Well Sirius wasn't going to let him win this time. This time Sirius was the one laid up in a hospital bed and he didn't have to take any of Remus' shit. This time he would beat Moony at his own stubborn game. He could eat his shorts because there was no way…</p><p>Remus glanced down at his watch, smirked knowingly at the bed bound boy, then turned to gaze innocently out the window.  Sirius moved to get comfortable, and somehow managed to snag something on the pillows. </p><p>"Fine. Help me, you smug bastard!" He hissed through the pain. </p><p>The smirk never left Remus' face as he helped him back down, this time facing each other. Sirius muttered bitterly under his breath the entire time.</p><p>"It's only been two days. Don't worry your pretty little head." </p><p>Sirius scoffed. </p><p>"Speaking of pretty heads, when the fuck did you and Lily become so bloody civil. I could swear she hated you more than Prongs."</p><p>"Ah, fun story. Couple weeks ago, Flitwick asked me to talk after class. The cuts were really bothering me that day, so when I got up to talk to ol' Flitty, there was blood on the seat back. I didn't notice until Lily started interrogating me. Going on the same as you the other day. When the professor called me and she stormed off I thought that was the end of it.</p><p>"I was on my way to DADA, when she pulls me behind that tapestry on the second floor, you know the one with the villagers fighting off giant slugs, and starts ripping my robes off. That woman is freakishly strong and had me out of my shirt before I could even defend my maidenly virtue."</p><p>She didn't move or make a sound as she took in the sight of his back. The longer she stood silent, the worse he felt until he wrapped his arms protectively around himself. He hadn't even told James he was gay. Now this person who couldn't even stand to be in the same room as him knew two of his most closely guarded secrets. The news would probably be all over the school by the next day. None of his friends would ever speak to him again. The Potters would kick him out too and he would be homeless. Only this time there would be no best friend to take him in. </p><p>A cool hand on his shoulder made him realize he was trembling worse than a house elf after one of his mother's rages. He flinched away from the contact.</p><p>"You need to breathe, Sirius. You'll pass out if you keep hyperventilating," Lily soothed. </p><p>"Please don't…tell anyone...I I'm, I'm." He couldn't even say the word out loud. It felt too big in his constricted throat. There wasn't enough air in this tiny alcove. </p><p>She turned him so they were facing and gently tilted his chin so she could look him in the eye. "I won't tell another soul about any of this. I swear it."</p><p>His wobbly knees finally gave out and he sank to the floor. Lily followed suit and joined him on the cobblestones. Between the panic attack and the pain, he couldn't keep himself together anymore. He slumped forward onto her shoulder and she pulled him into a hug.</p><p>"I know you probably don't believe me, but I really just want to help. I can mend your shirt and we can go to the hospital wing." Sirius was shaking his head before she even finished her sentence. </p><p>"Fine, let's get you back to the tower and I'll get you all sorted. Can you walk by yourself?" He shook his head again.  </p><p>"She offered to help patch me up and has been on my case ever since,"  Sirius edited once he had shaken off the memory.  "She's actually an alright bird, once you get past the Horntail parts of her personality.  I can see why Prongs fancies her so much. Not really my type though."</p><p>Remus chuckled as he shook his head. "Oh yeah? And what is your type exactly?"</p><p>There was a clear line of challenge in the set of Remus' thin lips. Sirius couldn't look away. </p><p>"Well for a start, I prefer brunets," he mumbled in a daze.</p><p>Something buzzed between them as Sirius glanced up and got caught in his favorite shade of brown. It was like the magic he used to do as a child, wild and a little dangerous, but utterly thrilling.  He wanted to reach out and touch it, but was concerned any movement would shatter the moment. </p><p>"Siri, what really happened-" Remus began.</p><p>The hospital wing door banged open and Peter and James came bounding in. Remus shifted back from where he leaned on the edge of the bed and plastered on a neutral expression. That was it. The final straw. Sirius wanted to scream. He was finally having a normal conversation with Moony for the first time in months and these, these...Sirius couldn't think of a word for that level of idiocy and bad timing. They were just lucky he didn't have his wand or they would have found themselves hanging naked from the quidditch goal posts by their toes.</p><p>"Pads, you’re awake!" Peter almost squeaked and flopped on the foot of the bed.</p><p>"Welcome back to the land of the living, mate," James said with an affectionate slap to the shoulder. </p><p>"You have got to stop doing that," Sirius grunted. </p><p>"Sorry, I'm just so glad you're awake." </p><p>James moved to repeat the gesture, when Remus caught his wrist. </p><p>"Right, sorry," James smiled and awkwardly patted Remus on the head instead. "And sorry for attacking you and causing all this mess. I guess you're not really a threat when it comes to Lily, or any bird for that matter."</p><p>"And that...that doesn't bother you?" Sirius didn't dare hope after all he'd been through. </p><p>"Of course not, you great gormless poof! You could've shagged half the blokes in the school and it wouldn't make you any less a Marauder." </p><p>Sirius was not going to cry. Just because he was queer did not mean he was a nancy. He. Would. Not. Cry. </p><p>"Although we would have to reconsider your membership if any of your conquests were Slytherins," James concluded with a wry smile. </p><p>"Fuck off!" Sirius admonished without any heat. </p><p>There was a contented little lull where they all just enjoy being with each other without any baggage getting in the way.</p><p>Peter sat up from his sprawl and announced, "You'll be happy to know that Poppy was able to fix your back up right. She said she couldn't fix the ones that had already healed, but the words on your back are gone." </p><p>"Wha...H…"</p><p>"There's still a scar," Remus explained tentatively, "but it'll be like the words never existed. Just a slash."</p><p>This finally succeeded in bringing Sirius to tears. He couldn't control himself as messy sobs shook his body. It was such a relief. He didn't care about the other words because he knew they weren't true, but the ones on his back were different. It had plagued him with anxiety to think that every partner he took would look at his back and see exactly what he was. What his parents really thought of such a vital part of his identity. And now he would never have to worry about it again.</p><p>His friends all tried to placate him, but he couldn't rein it in. Madam Pomfrey heard the disturbance and ushered the three boys out. </p><p>"We'll come visit you tomorrow, Padfoot," Prongs called over his shoulder as he was pushed out the door. </p><p>"Come now, you'll feel better after a good sleep." </p><p>Madam Pomfrey coaxed him up to take the potion and eased him back down. Two minutes later his sobs had subsided and Sirius was fast asleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This work really went in a different direction than I had originally planned. Soooo now I think there's going to be one more chapter before I can comfortably wrap this up.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Despite his best efforts, Remus never got another chance to speak with Sirius privately when he was in the hospital wing. Every time the werewolf popped in on break or before meals someone either tagged along or was already there. Even when he tried to sneak in for a visit in the middle of the night, someone,<em> James</em>, always guessed his intention and insisted on coming too. He was going to lose his mind.</p><p>Remus stared vacantly at the open textbook in front of him. He was supposed to be studying for the history of magic exam next week, but he couldn't focus. Too many unanswered questions tugged his attention in opposing directions. Would Sirius have finally given him a reason for the Incident if Prongs and Wormtail hadn't interrupted? Did his preference for brunets mean Remus actually stood a chance? What else had his parents done to him that he hadn't told the Marauders about? Would there be bacon butty at dinner? Merlin, he hoped so.</p><p>"You'll pucker your looks if you keep furrowing your brow like that, Re," Lily said with a hard poke to the middle of his forehead.</p><p>Remus rubbed irritably at the spot and frowned at her as she sat down in the chair next to him.</p><p>"What's got you all pokey today?"</p><p>Lily sighed and flopped dramatically onto the table.</p><p>"Potter came in to visit Sirius while I was there. I wouldn't have minded if he didnt keep fussing so much. I mean, he tried to fluff his pillows while Sirius was still lying on them for heaven's sake. Madam Pomfrey kicked us both out after that."</p><p>"You're too hard on James. Sure, he might be the first person in history to literally kill someone with kindness, but he really does mean well."</p><p>She scoffed and buried her face in her arms. Remus returned to staring at his book. He was just about to give up all pretence of getting any studying done today, when Lily peered up at him from under her hair.</p><p>"Sirius was asking about you, before the mother hen showed up. He thought he might've said something to offend you because you haven't been to see him in a few days."</p><p>"I visited him this morning!"</p><p>"You went with Peter and didn't say two words to him, the way he tells it. He's really torn up about whatever this spat between you is about. Seems to think he's unforgivable."</p><p>"First of all, I've tried to talk to him alone, but everyone seems hellbent on interrupting. Including you, James, Peter, and half the bloody female population of this castle! Second, if, at any point in the last three months, he had given me an explanation, I would've happily forgiven him. But <em>noooo</em>, he has to be so bloody self-destructive all the bloody time. Merlin's warty knob! I barely slept the last two days because I've been tying myself in knots over all this. I turn into a fucking monster once a month and I have healthier coping mechanisms than he does, by comparison!"</p><p>He was panting by the end of his tirade. Taking a deep breath, he ran a hand through his hair, grateful that the common room was unusually empty for this late in the afternoon.</p><p>"How long have you been sitting on that powder keg?"</p><p>"Too long," he sighed.</p><p>"Madam Pomfrey's releasing him from hospital tomorrow. It should be the perfect opportunity to clear the air."</p><p>Remus grunted and plopped his head on the back of the chair.</p><p>"Guess you're right," he said to the stone ceiling. "I'll talk to him tomorrow when he gets back."</p><p>But fate and James had other plans. When Sirius was released from his week long stint in the hospital wing, James had arranged a party worthy of their reputation as Marauders.</p><p>Remus could actually feel the aneurysm forming in his brain. He could only hope that when it finally burst it would all be over quickly and painlessly. If not he would make it his mission to haunt James "Oblivious-git" Potter for the rest of eternity.</p><p>In the meantime, Remus brooded against the wall by the stairs, watching countless people, mostly girls, go up to Sirius and congratulate him on his recovery.</p><p>"You look like a right stroppy cow, standing here by yourself. It's a party, Moony. Live a little."</p><p>Remus sipped loudly from his glass of fire whiskey and cooked an eyebrow in response to Peter's jab. Pete snorted and they surveyed the party in amicable silence.</p><p>"Been a while since Padfoot's looked this happy," Peter observed. "I'm glad he finally told us about his parents and being queer."</p><p>Remus wanted to point out that Sirius hadn't actually told them anything. His secrets had been exposed, but Pete had a point. It had been a good long while since Sirius looked that at ease. He and Marlene McKinnon held each other up as they laughed at a story some Hufflepuff sixth year was telling. As Sirius wiped tears from his eyes, he caught Remus' gaze. Sirius' face made a funny little twitch, like he couldn't quite decide what expression he wanted to make. Then, slowly, he offered Remus a coy smile.</p><p>Remus felt his heart skip and choked on his whiskey. Peter slapped his back unhelpfully. Sirius appeared to be focused intently on the conversation, except he was spinning the single gold hoop through his ear like a toddler with a security blanket. Remus couldn’t suppress the knowing grin that split his face as he watched Sirius' slate grey eyes dart repeatedly away from where he stood.</p><p>Throwing back the last of his drink, the werewolf cuffed the blond boy on the shoulder in farewell and snuck up behind Sirius to lean in close to his ear.</p><p>"Can I speak to you privately for a minute?"</p><p>Sirius jumped and nodded. The two of them slipped away unnoticed and took the stairs up to their dorm. Back in first year, Remus discovered that the dormer of their window offered a pleasant hiding spot for when his roommates were too much for him to handle. Remus climbed up first, then offered his hand to Sirius and pulled him up as well. They sat, shoulders brushing, and looked out over the moonlit grounds.</p><p>"Sorry I missed the moon the other night. You didn't end up in hospital with me, so I guess Prongs and Wormy handled it just fine without me."</p><p>"It wasn't the same without you there. I've missed you, Pads."</p><p>Sirius opened his mouth, closed it, then shook his head.</p><p>"It's true. But, I asked to talk to you for a different reason." Remus thought it would be best to get right to it, lest that interrupting starfish, James Potter, somehow managed to find them. "How could you tell Snape about me? What really happened? You've been dodging it for months. I deserve an explanation."</p><p>Sirius took a shaky breath and the Remus finally, finally, got an answer.</p><p>"You do. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but you know everything now, so…That morning I'd gotten a letter from home. Wally was in rare form and she sent a particularly unpleasant hex to go along with her usual tongue lashing. Snape confronted me after potions about...something stupid, I can't remember.</p><p>"And I was only trying to explain why he's a berk, but then he said…he said that maybe if my parents beat me I wouldn't have turned out to be such a disappointment."</p><p>Sirius pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.</p><p>"I could still feel the burning in my hands from the spell that morning and every other punishment I'd ever received in that awful fucking house and I was so furious. How dare he say that to me!</p><p>"I spent years taking the brunt of their hatred and rage. He didn't know what it was like to hide his baby brother from his father when he was on one his drunken tares. Or have his mother petrify him and list everything she thought was wrong with him while his father carved it into his skin. Or spent weeks with people acting like he didn't exist…</p><p>"I wanted him to feel a tiny bit of that helplessness and fear. Just enough of a scare to shut him up. I never meant…"</p><p>Sirius sniffed and wiped at his eyes. "No, no excuses. You don't deserve to be used that way, Rem. I'm sorry, for all of it."</p><p>Remus could only stare, brain incapable of formulating a response. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. Had he really considered himself intelligent? He sat there without speaking for so long that Sirius finally looked up at him with panicked eyes.</p><p>"You don't have to forgive me, of course. It's enough that you heard me out, and all. We don't even have to stay friends, if you don't want. I mean, it'd really suck, but I understand if you wouldn't <em>mmhf</em>."</p><p>Remus cut off Sirius' rambling with a hand over his mouth.</p><p>"Shh. It's my turn. These last few months have been hell. I never thought you, of all people, would expose me like that. I've never felt so betrayed in my life. For the first few weeks, I swore I would never forgive you. But then, the silence between us started eating away at my resolve. I hated that you used me but I also hated not being friends. It was driving me mad.</p><p>"And then it was Easter holiday and I went through the worst transformation I've had all year. I knew I wouldn't hold out much longer. Mum barely had me back together before I got that letter from Prongs saying your parents kicked you out and you were in a bad way. When I saw you at the Potters', you looked so hollowed out and defeated, I was ready to forgive you on the spot, but it wasn't the time.</p><p>"I hoped that once we got back to school maybe we could finally talk things out, but you kept to yourself. Admittedly, I was throwing out mixed signals left and right, so I'm also responsible for this mess. But you need to start talking to someone. If not James, then definitely me or Peter."</p><p>"I talked with Lily!" Sirius interjected indignantly.</p><p>"Yeah, but only after you almost bled out for a month and a half, you wanker." Remus nudged him with his shoulder. "I'm worried about you. W-we all love you, you know."</p><p>They settled into companionable silence while the noise of party in the common room drifted up to them.</p><p>"Hold on a moment! You've never actually said if you've forgiven me! I appreciate your undying affection and all, but it's not worth much if you still plan on cutting me off," Sirius exclaimed, bottom lip popping out in an over dramatic pout.</p><p>Remus rolled his eyes in a long suffering expression. "I'm not cutting you off, Sirius."</p><p>"But that still doesn't mean you forgive me. You have to say, 'I forgive you, Sirius.'"</p><p>Sirius grabbed Remus' cheeks and moved his mouth along with the words. Remus batted his hand away, but Sirius made another grab for his face.</p><p>"Say it! Say 'Padfoot, you're so clever and devilishly handsome. All boys wish they could have you and all the girls wish to be you. And I, Moony McWerewolf, forgive you and am unworthy of your majestic benevolence.'"</p><p>There was much smacking of hands and jabbing of elbows, while Remus tried to fend Sirius off.</p><p>"I will not say that bloody rubbish. You're off your fucking rocker!"</p><p>Sirius beamed and let out a barking laugh, the one he only made when he was truly happy. Remus felt his heart flutter. Sirius used his momentary distraction to smack both hands on Remus' cheeks and squish his face. While the dark haired boy crowed his triumph to the stars, Remus finally managed to pin the other boy's wrists together.</p><p>With his free hand, Remus brushed a strand of hair out of Sirius' twinkling eyes. In the moonlight they looked almost silver. They grew round as Sickles at the gesture and he sucked in a trembling breath.</p><p>"I forgive you, Siri," Remus breathed. Then leaned in close to kiss that plush mouth.</p><p>********</p><p>
  <em>What the fuck is happening?</em>
</p><p>The question raced through Sirius' mind on an endless loop. There was no way that this was real. The Black Family Madness had finally claimed him as its next victim. Yes, that had to be it.</p><p><em>Or,</em> a far too reasonable voice piped up, <em>this is real and you are missing the perfect opportunity to snog the ever living shit out of Remus Lupin.</em></p><p>Well that cinched it. Sirius melted into Remus' chest and unleashed every ounce of his desperation on those ridiculously talented lips.</p><p>For a full three minutes, Sirius was able to fulfill years of fantasies. At some point, Remus released his hands and Sirius greedily tangled his fingers in those prematurely greying locks. They were softer than he imagined. This was too good. He needed more, now! Sirius couldn't contain his moan as he clambered into Remus' lap.</p><p>The best kiss of Sirius' entire existence came to a screeching halt when Remus slipped a hand between his shoulders to close what little space there was between them. Without warning, Sirius was back in the dining room of 12 Grimmauld Place. His father loomed over him paring letters into his back, slice by agonizing slice, while his mother shrieked at the top of her voice that no son of hers was going to be a disgusting faggot and blasted his name off the family tree. He clutched compulsively at the burn on his chest where every member of the Black family had its moto inked at the ripe old age of seven.</p><p>Warm fingers smoothed out the tangles of his hair, once again bringing Sirius back to reality.</p><p>"There you are, beautiful. Everything's gonna be fine. I've got you." Sirius collapsed onto the taller boy's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I won't touch you there again. I've got you. You never have to set foot in that miserable house ever again."</p><p>Eventually, the trembling subsided, and Sirius was able to gather enough control of himself to straighten up.</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>Both of Remus' large hands came up to frame Sirius' face, left thumb stroking over his lip. "Anytime."</p><p>Sirius let himself bask in the sensation for a moment before he tried to pull away. Remus was having none of it, however, and resumed his reassuring stroking.</p><p>"Rem, I don't understand. You've always liked girls. You dated Ibilola Womack all last term. You two were adorably nauseating together."</p><p>Remus shrugged, dismissively and dropped his hands to Sirius' hips. "Never said I don't like both. Besides, Ibilola and I knew what we had wouldn't work in the long run. We both fancied other people who were unavailable."</p><p>Heart settling somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach, Sirius swallowed and licked his suddenly dry lips.</p><p>"So you do have someone you fancy?"</p><p>"I would've thought it was obvious."</p><p>"Right. Right, of course you do. I'll just…"</p><p>He tried to extricate himself from Remus' hold. Remus tightened his grip around his waist and chuckled softly.</p><p>"Honestly, how can someone as smart as you be so bloody thick all the time."</p><p>Then they were kissing again. His last logical thought was, <em>oh, it's me</em>, before any sort of higher thinking dissolved into the heady sensation of Remus' tongue teasing its way into Sirius' mouth.</p><p>True to his word, Remus never touched his most recent scar, but his hands were everywhere else. Clever fingers traced patterns down the animagus' spine, down, down, down. They faltered briefly at the band of his jeans, but Sirius gasped out a wordless plea, and they continued their journey downward to grip his ass possessively.</p><p>For a while things seemed to be headed in a very sexy direction. Sirius was thoroughly content to let Remus steer the makeout session any which way he pleased. So it was a bit of a surprise, though not unpleasant, when the current changed to something slower and far more profound.</p><p>With a satisfied sigh, Remus broke the kiss, only moving far enough to touch foreheads.</p><p>"I've wanted to do that for ages," Moony purred, nuzzling their noses.</p><p>Sirius pulled away slightly and chewed his lip.</p><p>"So, I fancy you, well more than fancy, really. I've been mad for you since second year. Maybe, er, maybe we could go out, or something?"</p><p>A toothy grin split Remus' face. "I'd love to."</p><p>"Brilliant!" Sirius' return smile was equally dazzling. "So, I know it's short notice, but my friend is having a party tonight in my honor. Would like to be my date?"</p><p>"I think I can move some things around and make some time available." Sirius rolled his eyes, still beaming, and pulled Remus in close for a gentle kiss. "Oh yeah, I'm definitely free now."</p><p>Lily was waiting for them at the bottom of the staircase with a smirk, when they finally made it back to the common room half an hour later.</p><p>"Congrats, you two! I know you're both going to be very happy," she said, releasing them from her embrace. "Don't fuck this up."</p><p>"Why are you looking at me!" Remus exclaimed, indignant.</p><p>"Where the bloody hell have you been?" Prongs staggered over, drink in hand, and flicked at Sirius' nose. "This party is for you, Padfoot, and you and Moony go running off in the middle of it. What were you doing, anyway?"</p><p>"Nothing really," Remus replied, a mischievous gleam in his eye. "Just some star gazing."</p><p>Sirius barely refrained from rolling his eyes, but went willingly when Remus pulled him into his side.</p><p>"Hold on!" James appeared to sober instantly. "Are, are those hickeys?"</p><p>Remus blushed scarlet and tugged at his collar, while Sirius checked his neck in the nearest reflexive surface.</p><p>"It's not that I disapprove of the two of you together. But how am I supposed to sleep knowing that my brother and best mate are defiling each other in the next bed!"</p><p>"Don't be such a baby, Potter!" Lily scolded.</p><p>Sirius ignored their squabbling and wriggled back under Remus' arm.</p><p>"Sorry about the hickeys. I should've asked," Remus fretted.</p><p>Sirius beamed up at his boyfriend and pecked him on the cheek.</p><p>"Don't be. They're bloody perfect."</p><p>For the first time ever he was proud to show off the marks on his skin.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all for sticking with me. I really enjoyed writing this fic, even when it made me want to pull my hair out. </p><p>Please leave kudos and comments, they give me feelz.</p><p>~R</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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